Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
