The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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