fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
