If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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