What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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