life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I FOUND THE LEGS
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize