I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
