Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
