dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
