i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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