david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
