I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
