she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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