Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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