i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Randomize
