i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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