If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
