im drinking this country out of the recession.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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