Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.