I can't watch pbs sober anymore
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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