There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
