he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
