This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It's blow job season.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
