ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Randomize
