I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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