I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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