when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
