At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
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