i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
