Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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