I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Randomize
