dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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