when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
