Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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