there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
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