allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm too high and old for this...
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
