Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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