i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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