First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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