Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
