At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
