i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
