last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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