am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
