I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
