Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
