I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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