to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
