his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
