Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I AM VODKA MAN
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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