Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
