my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
