i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
