What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
