Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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