I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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