I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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