You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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