So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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