who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
