its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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